My Sacred Life - Day 8

The web and weave of family

Family is an integral part of my being. By family I don't, for me, necessarily mean blood family. I am here because and only because of the people who came before me, my parents - their parents, their parents parents 'and so on and have within me their blood and carry on their work. I don't believe we are only here in existence to work on our own issues and "destiny" but also carry on ancestral work - as well as righting wrongs and growing and freeing bonds that have held parts of our self in one place.

I've never really known my Mothers side of the family as we left Japan, my birthplace when I was very young. My Fathers family is from the Midwest, Illinois, and growing up there in my very early years of life molded and have helped me cling on to less than pleasant memories. I do believe people, for the most part, do the best with what they have or know how. As a child though, you don't reason or understand. You observe and remember. I find it interesting how many people hold to those beliefs because there comes a time when you have to let go, grow up and move on. For many years, I held resentment and anger for how my Mother and I were treated, more so observing the abuse she had taken. My fathers family did not believe in inter-racial mixes to put it lightly and the treatment my mother receive, though not physical, was unacceptable on so every level. We moved to California in 1984, after 7 years in IL and I saw my Mother bloom into a much happier person and watched her self worth grow. We would receive calls and my father would fly back for visits but there was no communication at all from them to my Mother and I - which I was grateful for. I really didn't want anything to do with them. I, at that time, simply wanted to erase those memories and those people from my life.
The only time I've spoken to them since then is when my Father passed away in 1989. They called with demands and expectations... money, personal belongings, and even went so far as to demand I send the body there for burial. It was very ugly and I was nowhere near being graceful in my communications with them. So much anger, so much frustration, confusion and hurt. I couldn't see straight, couldn't think, certainly couldn't forgive. The truth was, we were left in debt, big debt... blaring like a neon sign over our heads. I left school to work full time and for a while relied heavily on credit cards to get by. Of course, they never knew and I was too proud to say this. I simply lived my life without them.
The funny thing about Ancestral work and Spirit is that you don't choose it... it chooses you and comes to you when you are ready. At lease, that is the case in my experience. The truth, as I see it now, is that we are all broken in ways and trying to heal... trying to find our way "home"... trying to reach for our authentic selves and bring that to the table. I believe some people ignore that call but it's a choice, like everything else. Change is scary and takes commitment and movement... it takes working with your past, taking the lesson - the beauty and not holding the negative. For so many years, I chose misery. I CHOSE misery. I chose to remain angry... I chose to give up the power to live... to forgive, not just them but more importantly - me.
I'm flying to IL next summer. I want to see, as an adult with more open eyes, where my Father came from. I want to find more about his family and their background. I want to walk on the grounds of his birthplace... I need to. I'm so afraid but fear stops us from growing and I refuse to not go. I can say I forgive... I can think I can forgive... but for me, I need to go. I have addresses and have looked up addresses of family. Of course, I will call first - I don't know what to expect - but I will try. I don't know what will be said... but I need to go.

I've always been a bit of an oddball, or so I've felt as such anyway. I have many acquaintances and very few friends. Connections are very important to me... kindred spirits. And like a needle in a haystack, we're lucky to call someone a friend. I find that word used too often, like love. I guess in reality, I don't have friends. I have family. Family, to me, love you in spite of yourself. Loves your dark as much as your light and embraces your whole being - warts and all. I've been beyond blessed with family.
At night, before sleep... I say thank you. Thank you for the people who enrich my life. How beautiful it is to have someone accept you... love you... and think about you... to notice when you aren't there. It's easy to be cordial and polite when someone is standing in front of you... but I go to bed every night knowing... knowing... I am loved. I am a rich man.
I'm not one for material things. I often find little things, sometimes the oddest or weirdest thing that will remind me of a loved on and I have to get it... which we usually laugh wildly about later. What I like to do, though, is create or make things for loved ones. It's more personal... it's time and intention specifically focused for them from your heart.
I'm an addict for crafting and a few years ago I took up knitting - something i hadn't done since I was a child. I made hats or scarves for family members and had left over yarn. It struck me that I should make something from the remains... as a reminder or connection that we are indeed, a family. That life and family are indeed a pattern that we can choose to design and weave together. The opposite is not an option for me anymore. I choose to live fully and love and forgive... and forgive myself if I am not yet able to.



This is the bag I made. I keep it on my manifestation altar.

Nature Boy - Nat King Cole

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he
And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"