I wasn't able to post a few days ago.
I found this photo while flipping through some files of past trips I've taken. It was taken in one of the cemetaries in Everett on my first trip to WA. It strikes me on many levels because of the contrasts... the crypt, the chain, the lock and the flowers - dried. Equally are the complex feelings I experience when I compare this to how some of my past choices reflect a certain similar feeling of longing, sadness and haunting. It's funny how some issues seem to manifest when you think you're on top of things and then.. wham.
My weekend was less than gracefull. All of my close connections are with women. I know this is hugely because of my connection with my feminine side, ability to express my emotions freely and the intimacy level that I am able to give and receive.
I have issues with men on the intimacy level of relationship. It's very hard for me to let my guard down or interact with men.... not to mention trust issues. I've longed for male companionship, a good friend with whom I can trust, be myself with and share with. At the same time, that terrifies me. I've been chatting with a an online pal I made a month or so ago who's local and shares many interest. I had the opprotunity to meet him and have lunch. It was a tentative meeting and I had thought how nice it would be to sit face to face, talk and be able to see his eyes when talking. Eyes are a big thing for me and I love talking with friends or loved ones so I can see their expressions, eyes and feel their energy. It's different from online or the phone. As the day came closer and closer, I began to feel an apprehension. A want to hide. I think... no, I know... that on a subconscious level, I decided that I would not meet him. He called Sunday afternoon as he said he would. I was in the other room and when I realized it was him... I just froze. I wanted to answer the phone, I should have answered the phone... but I didn't.
I felt disappointed in myself. Not for just for not answering but for the obviously blatent rudeness of not answering. These are MY issues. I know this... I know this... but my heart and mind were on such different pages - different books. I'm an honest person but I felt anything but honest and so small and just wrong. Still, I didn't answer.
I wrote a letter later that evening explaining, very honestly, some of my issues and how regardless of my issues, it was no excuse to be rude.
I did receive a response the next day and was so warmed by his words and understanding. He expressed that he wanted to get to know me and develop the friendship we've begun online. I'm relieved and scared... and still profoundly disappointed in myself.
I hate disappointment.
It was a HUGE step backwards.
I didn't post because I felt a bit too much and words didn't come... or they came but not in a stream of reason or sense... just words. Words fail.
I'm sitting with this and am feeling better, still a bit raw but better.
I realize I will step back from time to time and won't always be the person I'd always like to be... and I need to embrace the lesson and not the negative. Growth and gifts are definitely not always comfortable... but beautiful for what they are. Ouch.
Another Mystery - Dar Williams
Get off your cat walk, I want you to talk
To be the seer instead of the seen
There is a flower, a leaning tower
And all of the wonders standing between
I don’t want to be another mystery oh no
I don’t want to see who’s looking at me oh no
I want to be the one to feel the sun oh oh
So if you want to see the world with me let’s go
The alligator, the God that made her
And all the creatures that got left behind
In mycnnae, ave maria
And everything you gotta dig harder to find
I don’t want to be a vapor of heavenly light
Everybody guess if I’m an angel or sprite
I don’t want to be another mystery oh no
I don’t want to see who’s looking at me oh no
I want to be the one to feel the sun oh oh
So if you want to see the world with me let’s go
You could pursue it, hell I could do it
I’ll just be quiet when I get angry and hurt
I’m stopping traffic, cinemagraphic
With my long black coat hanging down in the dirt
And my hair clinging to my face in the rain
Like a goddess from the cult of beautiful pain
I don’t want to be another mystery
I don’t want to be another mystery
I could cut you off with a shoulder of stone
Smoke all night and leave the party alone
Screw myself with an inscrutable pout
But I just want you to come figure me out
I don’t want to be another mystery oh no
I don’t want to see who’s looking at me oh no
I want to be the one to feel the sun oh oh
So if you want to see the world with me let’s go
I don’t want to be another mystery
No comments:
Post a Comment