My Sacred Life - Day 21

Who I Was*Who I am*Who I Will Be

While having break with a coworker this past week, the subject of change came up. She's been thinking about looking for work elsewhere and is frustrated with the prospects with limited experience and education. As we continued talking, regret and "what if" entered the conversation. She asked me what I wanted to do, if time and money weren't an issue. What kind of job would I want. What changed would I make if I could go back and change certain choices or take opportunities I hadn't.
I said I wanted to be happy but I find more and more that happy is a choice. It's not so much as having things or a high paying job (thought that's a fun thought), for me, as it is feeling that I've done something at the end of the day or that I'm feeding my spirit. I haven't felt very happy with work but I find many moment of happiness while I'm at work. I do believe in the power of positive thinking - tho not that I feel that alone will make the world pretty and perfect - but it can make change and adjustments much more pleasant and peaceful. I think when we bring our best self forward, it ripples. The whole idea of moving forward with grace... or moving forward, kicking and screaming and the top of your lungs. Either way - time moves on. Somehow, with the "fullness" of life, I could do without kicking and screaming. hehehe
When I think of going back to change things or regrets... I can say with a pretty quick response - no, I would not. I have some regrets, minor... wishing I had spent more time with a friends or loved ones who've crossed over, slowing down and being present - enjoying the moment. But as far as BIG changes - no. I have made some horrendous mistakes... perhaps mistakes aren't the right word... some bad choices that have taught me invaluable lessons. All of the things I've done, experienced and the choices I've made by my own free will are my responsibility and my gift... and all these things make up the sum of who I am today. I like myself. I am learning how to love myself.
My twenties were about ego, arrogance and falling on my face... picking myself up and falling again. When I think back to the person I was... there are some wonderful memories and things I embrace. There are also many shadows and less than nice, kind or courteous moments. Not having much life experience in the real world and thinking that I had everything figured out (insert HUGE laughter here). The future seemed so far away and I felt like I had time. Time to experiment, find myself and sometimes be careless and thoughtless.
My thirties started with a huge reality check. Though I've worked since I was 13, I wasn't wise with my money throughout my teens and twenties. I used my credit to keep us above the water for a time but really, some really bad spending choices as well. I went through a Chapter 13 and hit a low that I thought I would never experience. Financial reality, responsibility, consequence... so much and although there were times at that point, I remember hoping I wouldn't wake up when I went to bed... now... now - I see that this was probably the most incredible gift. I had to look at my life... I had to look at my choices... I had to think of the future... I had to be realistic... I had to wake up. I put one foot in front of the other and moved... slowly but forward. I started looking at what I wanted to manifest and what no longer serves me. I had to make changes - cut unhealthy habits and people out of my life and build on all the healthy blessings I had but perhaps never appreciated until everything burst. It was like a dam breaking... all the water ... all the emotion. I can honestly say that before this happened, it was like my life was a black and white photo. After... it became color.
Thank Goddess that I've collected a tiny bit common sense and a teaspoon of wisdom.
So... bad choices - hell yeah. But again, I don't think I'd appreciate life as I have it now, had I not been gifted with choice and the choices I've made.
It's also made the process of making choices a bit easier, sometimes no less painful, but a little life experience goes a long way.
I went through a box of photos I hadn't visited in a long time and through a collage of myself. Different ages and mindsets... but all me. There are some images that I embrace and a few that are very hard to look at. But it's me... light, dark and in between and... thankfully, growing.

32 Flavors - Ani Defranco

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said
both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone
and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back
I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say
squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said