1984I strongly believe that the animals in our lives come not only to fulfil our lives and open our eyes to unconditional love and compassion but also as guardians of spirit.
Spike came at a time in my life that I felt very different and lonely. I was asked what I wanted for my birthday and I answered, as I had for months, a dog.
My parents, knowing I was having difficulty adjusting from our move from Illinois to CA felt deeply for me and without the landlords knowledge, agreed we should have a dog. I remember going to Kimberly Pet Shop and running to the backroom where the kennels were. I recall this little black bundle with a crazed tail, "LOOK AT ME" yap yap yap, the warmest brown eyes and claws that clanked on the metal floor with h excited step as the owner of the shop unlatched the door and scooped him up in her arms. For a moment the world seemed to not exist... just this tiny bundle of energy and excitement that wriggled happily in my arms.
Once we arrived home, he made a mad dash to my mother where he quckly tinkled on her leg. I think she turned four shades of red.
She had told me in a very clear manner... "This is your dog... your responsability. He WILL NOT be spoiled and you will clean up after him." You can imagine my surprise when I came back from school the next day and found one of her best china plates on the ground... his plastic dish no where to be found... and on the plate - a nice sirloin that had been cut lovingly into tiny pieces. Hmmmm... *smile*
He filled our lives with such lightness and joy... so much laughter and lessons on how to live.
He knew when I needed him and made himself available, always, with a nudge or a cold nose to the cheek.
He was my best friend... my brother... my guardian and so much a part of me that I can't explain.
He was with me through every major change in my life and gave me love, comfort and companionship. He loved me even when I didn't love myself... and a person can be very ugly when they are in that place... and regardless... he loved me.
Today is his birthday and I'm feeling happy honoring his spirit and the millions of smiles he brought my family. I'm remembering with much laughter and a few tears cherished moments, secrets shared by an innocen child to his best friend, and filled with so much gratitude in the lessons of how to love. He truly taught me how to love and be joyful.
I feel his spirt near me and I see him sometimes in the corner of my eye... in his favorite spot on the couch. He thought he was a cat... would climb and sit on the couch back and gaze out the window.
I miss him... his physical presence but he is always with me in heart and spirit.
He was with me for nearly 18 years when he became ill... well, not so much ill as age. He had been struggling with movement and became more and more quiet and sleeping. I knew he was preparing to leave. It was noticible though he wasn't in pain.
As the year progressed, his eating habits changed and it arrived at a point where it started to border on a painful exisitance, not one of joy or comfort. I can't bear to see anyone in pain... and set another appointment with the vet... knowing that it was time.
I spent the morning next to him, thanking him and caressing him. I explained that it was okay to go and that I was sorry he was suffering. I explained how I didn't want him to be in pain and that I didn't know what else to do. I was so afraid I was making the wrong decision... so afraid that perhaps some part of him wouldn't understand and would feel abandoned... so hard to think straight when emotions are so high and your heart and head hurt from thinking. I believe he knew what I was saying and that he was ready to go.
I drove with my Mom next to me, both of us with heavy hearts and Spike on the furon we had made for him. My heart ached thinking he wouldn't be returning with us... it felt on some level an abandonment though I knew in my head it wasn't but rarely do I find my heart and head on the same page at the same time.
The Vet confirmed my fear that his systems were starting to shut down and that there was nothing that could be done... that it would become worse and painful.
The most incredible moment of my life was holding him and caressing his head and face... rubbing his paw and feeling his spirit release. He took one last breath and there was just peace... just quiet and I couldn't breathe. I sat there for a moment dumbfounded... not sure what I was feeling... just there... and then tears...
For weeks, I cried and had a rollercoaster of emotions. In prayer, I asked him to please show me a sign, any sign to let me know he understood. That he was at peace... that he forgave me.
I was a basket case... I would work... come home, go to bed and cry. 2 days later... when I arrived home, my Mom told me I should look outside.
In two days... where there had been no growth... in the middle of winter... there was a big beautiful pink rose.
It's funny... in life, he always comforted me... always showed me unconditional love... in spirit... it continued and continues. He was also a HUGE force in renewing and defining my spirituality.
He is still the guardian of my spirit and still reminds me to be filled with joy, enthusiasm and to enjoy the simple in life... and I am so grateful.
So... yes, a celebration of love, life, spirit and connection.
I'm guessing this is filled with typos and probably a bit scattered but I'm sure anyone who's lost their guardian/friend/familiar... you know how emotions can rush and feelings can be jolted... not at all bad, but ... yeah. They aren't "bad" tears... or feelings... just nostaligic... I miss him. Especailly today... his birthday was always an event. So... today remains an event... and there will be food and ice cream... silence, laughter, prayers and many thanks.
Spike came at a time in my life that I felt very different and lonely. I was asked what I wanted for my birthday and I answered, as I had for months, a dog.
My parents, knowing I was having difficulty adjusting from our move from Illinois to CA felt deeply for me and without the landlords knowledge, agreed we should have a dog. I remember going to Kimberly Pet Shop and running to the backroom where the kennels were. I recall this little black bundle with a crazed tail, "LOOK AT ME" yap yap yap, the warmest brown eyes and claws that clanked on the metal floor with h excited step as the owner of the shop unlatched the door and scooped him up in her arms. For a moment the world seemed to not exist... just this tiny bundle of energy and excitement that wriggled happily in my arms.
Once we arrived home, he made a mad dash to my mother where he quckly tinkled on her leg. I think she turned four shades of red.
She had told me in a very clear manner... "This is your dog... your responsability. He WILL NOT be spoiled and you will clean up after him." You can imagine my surprise when I came back from school the next day and found one of her best china plates on the ground... his plastic dish no where to be found... and on the plate - a nice sirloin that had been cut lovingly into tiny pieces. Hmmmm... *smile*
He filled our lives with such lightness and joy... so much laughter and lessons on how to live.
He knew when I needed him and made himself available, always, with a nudge or a cold nose to the cheek.
He was my best friend... my brother... my guardian and so much a part of me that I can't explain.
He was with me through every major change in my life and gave me love, comfort and companionship. He loved me even when I didn't love myself... and a person can be very ugly when they are in that place... and regardless... he loved me.
Today is his birthday and I'm feeling happy honoring his spirit and the millions of smiles he brought my family. I'm remembering with much laughter and a few tears cherished moments, secrets shared by an innocen child to his best friend, and filled with so much gratitude in the lessons of how to love. He truly taught me how to love and be joyful.
I feel his spirt near me and I see him sometimes in the corner of my eye... in his favorite spot on the couch. He thought he was a cat... would climb and sit on the couch back and gaze out the window.
I miss him... his physical presence but he is always with me in heart and spirit.
He was with me for nearly 18 years when he became ill... well, not so much ill as age. He had been struggling with movement and became more and more quiet and sleeping. I knew he was preparing to leave. It was noticible though he wasn't in pain.
As the year progressed, his eating habits changed and it arrived at a point where it started to border on a painful exisitance, not one of joy or comfort. I can't bear to see anyone in pain... and set another appointment with the vet... knowing that it was time.
I spent the morning next to him, thanking him and caressing him. I explained that it was okay to go and that I was sorry he was suffering. I explained how I didn't want him to be in pain and that I didn't know what else to do. I was so afraid I was making the wrong decision... so afraid that perhaps some part of him wouldn't understand and would feel abandoned... so hard to think straight when emotions are so high and your heart and head hurt from thinking. I believe he knew what I was saying and that he was ready to go.
I drove with my Mom next to me, both of us with heavy hearts and Spike on the furon we had made for him. My heart ached thinking he wouldn't be returning with us... it felt on some level an abandonment though I knew in my head it wasn't but rarely do I find my heart and head on the same page at the same time.
The Vet confirmed my fear that his systems were starting to shut down and that there was nothing that could be done... that it would become worse and painful.
The most incredible moment of my life was holding him and caressing his head and face... rubbing his paw and feeling his spirit release. He took one last breath and there was just peace... just quiet and I couldn't breathe. I sat there for a moment dumbfounded... not sure what I was feeling... just there... and then tears...
For weeks, I cried and had a rollercoaster of emotions. In prayer, I asked him to please show me a sign, any sign to let me know he understood. That he was at peace... that he forgave me.
I was a basket case... I would work... come home, go to bed and cry. 2 days later... when I arrived home, my Mom told me I should look outside.
In two days... where there had been no growth... in the middle of winter... there was a big beautiful pink rose.
It's funny... in life, he always comforted me... always showed me unconditional love... in spirit... it continued and continues. He was also a HUGE force in renewing and defining my spirituality.
He is still the guardian of my spirit and still reminds me to be filled with joy, enthusiasm and to enjoy the simple in life... and I am so grateful.
So... yes, a celebration of love, life, spirit and connection.
I'm guessing this is filled with typos and probably a bit scattered but I'm sure anyone who's lost their guardian/friend/familiar... you know how emotions can rush and feelings can be jolted... not at all bad, but ... yeah. They aren't "bad" tears... or feelings... just nostaligic... I miss him. Especailly today... his birthday was always an event. So... today remains an event... and there will be food and ice cream... silence, laughter, prayers and many thanks.
1 comment:
I cried while reading this, we share the same feelings about animals.
Post a Comment