Going with the flow So, this morning a routine oil change went from $35 to $284 when I found I needed 2 new rear tires... eep. I'm just happy that I have it covered and a little left for any other surprise that may pop up. While waiting for the work to be done, I walked up and down the mall, something I rarely do. I am not crazy about shopping malls. I've never been one to subscribe to designer names or trends. I'm quite comfy in my jeans and tee shirt, usually from Costco or on a sale rack! So... really, there's not a lot in malls that make me go WHEEEEE... aside from the quat coffee caramel bomb that make me resemble a muppet on drugs! It was nice though, quiet Sunday morning... was actually kinda fun to my surprise. I snapped this photo of the carousel. I haven't been on one in ages and probably don't see myself on one anytimes soon - but it made me smile. I use to love the carousel when I was little... and seemed to be drawn to it anytime at the fair or amusement park. I guess the still draw me in and catch my attention. :)
Not at all how I remember it but always appreciated the twist...
Carousel - Siouxsie and the Banshees
You clamber up And look behind Their watchful eyes The helping hands A hen that's fierce And painted blue With red eyes Wants to swallow you A dragon dives and soars on tracks The hands that strap you to its back You turn around and look behind Their smiling eyes Won't help you down Their tiny hands Their tiny feet Such little hearts To miss a beat Grotesque dwarves in mirrored rooms Pulled and taut a thousand yous Staring back through stinging tears Remembering those funhouse thrills The paintbox tunes and wild balloons Their watchful eyes, you start to swoon Oh painted vile in lurid hue The snarling horse that waits for you Its motor whirrs and colours curl Inside your head the monsters whirl Its motor whirrs and colours curl Inside your head the monsters whirl In sucked out Time stood still Roundabout back Carousel Time stood still And you remember it well Carousel
Dessert from Whole Foods! Sometimes you just have to splurge. I LOVE Whole Foods but their name should probably be Whole Paycheck! Sometimes ya just have to go anyway... I spent the day unwinding after a long week... one that seemed to last twice as long as it should - not bad mind you, just long. I returned some books to the library and stocked up on a new pile of cookbooks to oooh and awe at. I spent the late afternoon at Beverly's Fabrics customer appreciation day. The line went around the store which made me giggle a bit and had some nice conversation with a few ladies in line with me. There was such a line that there were a few employees with baskets of cookies and bottled water. After 15 minutes in line, I got in... and then realized that the checkout line wrapped around the back of the store... so, my battle with patience kicked my butt. I left shortly after and consoled the loss of 40% off with a trio of deadly yummies... coconut tapioca pudding, vegan chocolate mousse and mixed berry scones by sconehendge... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, bliss. Actually, I had planned on the coconut tapioca but somehow, the idea of consolation for not shopping takes the bite out of disregarding my diet. hehehehehe I'm all for calorie free days... just not too often. :) Tonight... I have some crafting time set aside and some reading... and I think a long hot bath.
Mr Blue - Yazoo
Winter sounds the crying Like an old man slowly dying And the only sound, the wind that fills the trees Even colder comes the moon And though it never seems too soon A sudden stillness as the rainfall starts to freeze I'm Mr. Blue I'm here to stay with you And no matter what you do When you're lonely - I'll be lonely too A young girl, she is shaded Bears the scars that never faded Of the baby that was born on Christmas Day While the heavens sing their song A child's life is never long 'Cos the food supplies will only last a day I'm Mr. Blue I'm here to stay with you And no matter what you do When you're lonely - I'll be lonely too Patriot emotion, is the cause of the commotion After all there's really no-one here to blame Soldiers taking orders, 'cos we must defend the borders Of our nation (and the other side's the same) I'm Mr. Blue I'm here to stay with you And no matter what you do When you're lonely - I'll be lonely too I'll come to you at night When all the world is sleeping tight And lie beside you, 'til the early morning dew You can't hear me, you can't see But you can feel me when you read The folded letter she left addressed to you
Rumi as translated by Maryam Mafi & Azima Melita Kolin
Invoking Your name does not help me to see You. I'm blinded by the light of your face. Longing for Your lips does not bring them any closer. What veils You from me is my vision of You.
The Friend who cannot be seen is the most subtle and precious. The work that cannot be seen is the most refined. The cleaverest of all is the one who does not deceive himself for he has deceived deceit.
Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot seek the path that demands your whole being. Leave that which is not, but appears to be seek that which is, but is not apparent.
When you see the face of anger look behind it and you will see the face of pride. Bring anger and pride under your feet, turn them into a ladder and climb higher. There is no peace until you become their master. Let of of anger, it may taste sweet but it kills. Don't become its victim you need humility to climb to freedom.
I said what about my eyes? "Keep them on the road." I said what about my passion? "Keep it burning." I said what about my heart. "Tell me what you hold inside it?" I said pain and sorrow. He said: "stay with it"
I was going to tell you my story but waves of pain drowned my voice. I tried to utter a word but my thoughts became fragile and shattered like glass. Even the largest ship can capsize in the stormy sea of love, let alone my feeble boat which shattered to pieces leaving me nothing but a strip of wood to hold on to. Small and helpless, rising to heaven on one wave of love and falling with the next I don't even know if I am or I am not. When I think I am, I find myself worthless, when I think I am not, I find my value. Like my thoughts, I die and rise again each day so how can I doubt the resurrection? Tired of hunting for love in this world, at last I surrender in the valley of love and become free.
Hidden from all I will speak to you without words. No one but you will hear my story even if I tell it in the middle of a crowd.
I have come to drag you out of your self and take you in my heart. I have come to bring out the beauty you never knew you had and lift you like a prayer to the sky. If no one can recognize you, I do because you are my life and soul. Don't run away, accept your wounds and let bravery be your shield. It takes a thousand stages for the perfect being to evolve. Every step of the way I will walk with you and never leave you stranded. Be patient, do not open the lid too soon simmer away until you are ready. In this game I make the rules. I roll you like a ball and chase you when I choose.
In a dream my lover came searching through my body for the state of love. When he could not find it he drew his dagger and stabbed my heart.
I am in love not only with his smile and radiant face but also with his wrath and contempt. He has asked for my head I do not care if I lose it what makes me ecstatic is Him asking.
Why are you so afraid of silence, silence is the root of everything. If you spiral into its voice a hundred voices will thunder messages you long to hear.
Your generosity is vaster than the sea it does not wait for tomorrow. No need to ask You for anything. Does anyone ever ask the Sun for light?
I am the spirit moon with no place. You do not see me for I am hidden inside the soul. Others want you for themselves but I call you back to yourself. You give me many names but I am beyond all names. Sometimes you say I am deceitful but as long as you are I will be too. Until you remain blind and deaf I will be invisible. Iam the garden of all gardens I speak as the King of all flowers Iam the spring of all waters. My words are like a ship and the sea is their meaning. Come to me and I will take you to the depthds of spirit.
GHAZAL (Urdu poetry by Sauda) - Niyaz
Your heart cannot be won by me nor can my soul bear this restlessness. Need is a burden which cannot be revealed therefore I remain silent. Whenever you are before me my eyes fill with tears that are unable to flow, like an ocean that stands still at the sight of you passing by
I was able to see Niyaz with the Goddesses of my life, my sisters, in Seattle a few years ago. They blend contemporary and traditional styles with many of the songs based on the works of Rumi. You can find more info at niyazmusic.com
Amazing what you find when you aren't looking for anything in particular. I went to Target the other day to stock up on some blank CDs and saw this little fellow. I found a home for him on my printer for when I'm working on files... he holds all my current favorite tunes (which change regularly!) I really enjoy things that are different. Things that make you smile or laugh for no reason... these things are little angels that can make a day. Probably off to make more CDs so he can chomp on a new set.
Also - just wanted to throw this out. I've had a few comments on the lyrics and music choices I add for my daily song. I am constantly making copies of tunes I collect and if anyone would like a random CD... and if you feel comfy, email me a mailing addy and I will put something together just for you. You can email me at wildgod13@comcast.net. I think music is an interesting medium to get to know people and share views.
Time To Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman (feat. Andrea Bocelli)
Quando sono sola sogno all'orizzonte e mancan le parole, si lo so che non c'è luce in una stanza quando manca il sole, se non ci sei tu con me, con me. Su le finestre mostra a tutti il mio cuore che hai accesso, chiudi dentro me la luce che hai incontrato per strada. Time to say goodbye. Paesi che non ho mai veduto e vissuto con te, adesso si li vivrò. Con te partirò su navi per mari che, io lo so, no, no, non esistono più, it's time to say goodbye. Quando sei lontana sogno all'orizzonte e mancan le parole, e io si lo so che sei con me con me, tu mia luna tu sei qui con me, mio sole tu sei qui, con me, con me, con me, con me. Time to say goodbye. Paesi che non ho mai veduto e vissuto con te, adesso sì li vivrò. Con te partirò su navi per mari che, io lo so, no, no, non esistono più con te io li rivivrò. Con te partirò su navi per mari che, io lo so, no, no, non esistono più, con te io li rivivrò. Con te partirò. Io con te
Time to say goodbye (Translation)
When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail; yes, I know there is no light in a room where the sun is absent, if you are not here with me. At the windows show everyone my heart which you set alight; enclose within me the light you encountered on the street. Time to say goodbye. to countries I never saw and shared with you, now, yes, I shall experience them. I'll go with you on ships across seas which, I know, no, no, exist no longer; it's time to say goodbye. When you are far away I dream of the horizon and words fail, and, yes, I know that you are with me; you, my moon, are here with me, my sun, you are here with me with me, with me, with me. Time to say goodbye. I'll go with you to countries I never saw and shared with you, now, yes, I shall experience them. I'll go with you on ships across seas which, I know, no, no, exist no longer, with you I shall experience them again. I'll go with you on ships across seas which, I know, no, no, exist no longer, with you I shall experience them again. I'll go with you. You and me.
So... after a long day at work I went to Michael's to pick up some fall foliage for some projects... and guess what!?!?!?! All their fall seasonal items were 50% off. *HAPPY DANCE* So... not only do I have enough to finish my current project... but at least enough for the next 3! Crafting is therepy for me as much as it's fun and entertaining. I usually craft in my room with incense, candles and some good music to keep me company and my muses happy. It makes me happy.
Words that amaze me...
Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot seek the path that demands your whole being. Leave that which is not, but appears to be seek that which is, but is not apparent. - Rumi
Through love, Disaster becomes Good fortune. Through love, A prison becomes A garden. -Rumi
I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God -Sufi proverb
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affect ion. -Buddha
Buddhist Forgiveness Prayer If I have harmed anyone, in any way, either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask forgiveness. If anyone has harmed me, in any way, either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them. And if there is a situation that I am not ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.
Earth teach me quiet ~ as the grasses are still with new light. Earth teach me suffering ~ as old stones suffer with memory. Earth teach me humility ~ as blossoms are humble with beginning. Earth teach me caring ~ as mothers nurture their young. Earth teach me courage ~ as the tree that stands alone. Earth teach me limitation ~ as the ant that crawls on the ground. Earth teach me freedom ~ as the eagle that soars in the sky. Earth teach me acceptance ~ as the leaves that die each fall. Earth teach me renewal ~ as the seed that rises in the spring. Earth teach me to forget myself ~ as melted snow forgets its life. Earth teach me to remember kindness ~ as dry fields weep with rain. -Ute Prayer
Laughter from one of my fave movies... and I freely and open heartedly admit - I love Drop Dead Fred!
One of Your Smiles - Dierdre (Dubois)
I wish I knew what to call that place Deep in the core of my within For once I was like the ocean And that's where you would always begin You are more than the ocean You are more than the moon You are more like the stars in the sky While you are wearing one of your smiles And if I tried to see you now You'd be dancing across the sky And you'd be wearing your gypsy clothes You'd be wearing one of your smiles
You are more than the ocean You are more than the moon You are more like the stars in the sky While you are wearing one of your smiles Something so pure about the love you gave Nothing I know defines You seem to drift but you carry me While you are wearing one of your smiles You are more than the ocean You are more than the moon You are more like the stars in the sky While you are wearing one of your smiles Ten thousand miles couldn't keep you For you were more like the wind All my life I will seek you Deep in the core of my within And if I tried to see you now You'd be dancing across the sky And you'd be wearing your gypsy clothes And You'd be wearing one of your smiles One of your smiles Oh one of your smiles
While having break with a coworker this past week, the subject of change came up. She's been thinking about looking for work elsewhere and is frustrated with the prospects with limited experience and education. As we continued talking, regret and "what if" entered the conversation. She asked me what I wanted to do, if time and money weren't an issue. What kind of job would I want. What changed would I make if I could go back and change certain choices or take opportunities I hadn't. I said I wanted to be happy but I find more and more that happy is a choice. It's not so much as having things or a high paying job (thought that's a fun thought), for me, as it is feeling that I've done something at the end of the day or that I'm feeding my spirit. I haven't felt very happy with work but I find many moment of happiness while I'm at work. I do believe in the power of positive thinking - tho not that I feel that alone will make the world pretty and perfect - but it can make change and adjustments much more pleasant and peaceful. I think when we bring our best self forward, it ripples. The whole idea of moving forward with grace... or moving forward, kicking and screaming and the top of your lungs. Either way - time moves on. Somehow, with the "fullness" of life, I could do without kicking and screaming. hehehe When I think of going back to change things or regrets... I can say with a pretty quick response - no, I would not. I have some regrets, minor... wishing I had spent more time with a friends or loved ones who've crossed over, slowing down and being present - enjoying the moment. But as far as BIG changes - no. I have made some horrendous mistakes... perhaps mistakes aren't the right word... some bad choices that have taught me invaluable lessons. All of the things I've done, experienced and the choices I've made by my own free will are my responsibility and my gift... and all these things make up the sum of who I am today. I like myself. I am learning how to love myself. My twenties were about ego, arrogance and falling on my face... picking myself up and falling again. When I think back to the person I was... there are some wonderful memories and things I embrace. There are also many shadows and less than nice, kind or courteous moments. Not having much life experience in the real world and thinking that I had everything figured out (insert HUGE laughter here). The future seemed so far away and I felt like I had time. Time to experiment, find myself and sometimes be careless and thoughtless. My thirties started with a huge reality check. Though I've worked since I was 13, I wasn't wise with my money throughout my teens and twenties. I used my credit to keep us above the water for a time but really, some really bad spending choices as well. I went through a Chapter 13 and hit a low that I thought I would never experience. Financial reality, responsibility, consequence... so much and although there were times at that point, I remember hoping I wouldn't wake up when I went to bed... now... now - I see that this was probably the most incredible gift. I had to look at my life... I had to look at my choices... I had to think of the future... I had to be realistic... I had to wake up. I put one foot in front of the other and moved... slowly but forward. I started looking at what I wanted to manifest and what no longer serves me. I had to make changes - cut unhealthy habits and people out of my life and build on all the healthy blessings I had but perhaps never appreciated until everything burst. It was like a dam breaking... all the water ... all the emotion. I can honestly say that before this happened, it was like my life was a black and white photo. After... it became color. Thank Goddess that I've collected a tiny bit common sense and a teaspoon of wisdom. So... bad choices - hell yeah. But again, I don't think I'd appreciate life as I have it now, had I not been gifted with choice and the choices I've made. It's also made the process of making choices a bit easier, sometimes no less painful, but a little life experience goes a long way. I went through a box of photos I hadn't visited in a long time and through a collage of myself. Different ages and mindsets... but all me. There are some images that I embrace and a few that are very hard to look at. But it's me... light, dark and in between and... thankfully, growing.
32 Flavors - Ani Defranco
squint your eyes and look closer I'm not between you and your ambition I am a poster girl with no poster I am thirty-two flavors and then some and I'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head cause someday you're going to get hungry and eat most of the words you just said both my parents taught me about good will and I have done well by their names just the kindness I've lavished on strangers is more than I can explain still there's many who've turned out their porch lights just so I would think they were not home and hid in the dark of their windows til I'd passed and left them alone and god help you if you are an ugly girl course too pretty is also your doom cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room and god help you if you are a pheonix and you dare to rise up from the ash a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying back I'm not trying to give my life meaning by demeaning you and I would like to state for the record I did everything that I could do I'm not saying that I'm a saint I just don't want to live that way no, I will never be a saint but I will always say squint your eyes and look closer I'm not between you and your ambition I am a poster girl with no poster I am thirty-two flavors and then some And I'm beyond your peripheral vision So you might want to turn your head Cause someday you might find you're starving and eating all of the words you said
I didn't do anything but listen to the rain, listen to music, write and think about my week. I didn't take a photo, hence the web photo - which I love. I absolutely LOVE rain. When I was growing up in IL, we would have the most incredible storms - lightning, thunder, rain... and it was so wonderful. It was like another world. I loved the flashes of light illuminating the room, the roar of the storm and later the rain... as if to wash all the noise, grime and anger away leaving a song... a soothing song that I'd try to stay awake and listen to but always being lulled to sleep. I've always been in love with rain as early as I can remember. It's not an odd sight to see me whirling around outside during a rainstorm... tho some would find that an odd behavior altogether I suppose. It's soothing, cleansing and brings my senses alive. The feel, the taste, the sound, the shimmering drops... and always... always the lovely scent afterwards. It renews my hope somehow... it grasps me and demands that I be present and listen. Be still, listen... and be aware. I am usually stuck with the need to write or work with my hands when it rains. It's as if the muses ignite all these thoughts and a million lightbulbs go on... and sometimes - it's just to lie and listen... which was much of the case yesterday. I thought about my month and all the wonderful things I had been able to accomplish... not at all all those little things that didn't get done, or "failures" or anything "negative". Little victories that make me happy... -Reservations made/confirmed for Pantheacon -Conf that a great number of my family from WA will be attending Pantheacon... *I can already hear the odd conversations and insane laughter with Gaelan after long days of deep connections thru ritual, lectures, presentations, writing, singing/chant and dance... yay. Thank Gods for laughter... beautiful medicine and sacred indeed. -An extended weekend in the near future -Care packages sent out -Walking with the divine among the ancient trees several times -Moving out of my comfort zone... and letting go -Surrender So so much... just feeling blessed and so grateful.
Language just doesn't express... a lovely day... much needed introspection... beautiful reminder to make time to be still.
But Not Tonight - Depeche Mode
Oh God, it's raining But I'm not complaining It's filling me up With new life The stars in the sky Bring tears to my eyes They're lighting my way Tonight And I haven't felt so alive In years Just for a day On a day like today I'll get away from this Constant debauchery The wind in my hair Makes me so aware How good it is to live Tonight And I haven't felt so alive In years The moon Is shining in the sky Reminding me Of so many other nights But they're not like tonight Oh God, it's raining And I'm not containing My pleasure at being So wet Here on my own All on my own How good it feels to be alone Tonight And I haven't felt so alive In years The moon Is shining in the sky Reminding me Of so many other nights When my eyes have been so red I've been mistaken for dead But not tonight
Going with the flow
