My Sacred Life - Day 31

I've been making babies... well, that sounded a bit off. Faebies, actually and I'm nearly finished with my latest cherub cheeked Autumn Sunflower Faeby. I think one of the things I like about crafting is that I start with an idea and the outcome is usually a surprise. Kinda like life's journey... you make a guideline of what you want to manifest and create and find along the way that things fall into their own place and make their own art. Both are works in progress.
I'm 36 and today I celebrate an anniversary. Today marks 10 years being single... and it is a Happy Anniversary.
It didn't start out happy 10 years ago when I left a very abusive relationship and started, not knowing at the time, a relationship with myself. I was bitter and angry and feeling more than a little sorry for myself. It was very much like a death. and grieving. I should backtrack a bit...
I have always known that I was gay and it was never an issue for me. Having said that, growing up in a small town - this isn't something that one really shares. To me, it just was a part of me, no more important than the color of my eyes or any other part of me - it just was. As a child and a teen, I always romanticized the idea of "love and relationship". It's something that I longed for deeply... well, as deeply as a 16 year old can imagine I suppose. It was strange seeing friends attend dances, date and couple when I didn't know anyone who was gay. It was a very difficult time.
I had always been the one in my family and circle to make things go smoothly. I was very much one to try to make everyone happy and help. Of course, this wasn't healthy but it was a huge part of my identity at the time. When I did date... 3 times (ages 19, 22, and 24) which weren't so much dates as perhaps clinging to one another for the sake of being together - I spent a lot of time molding myself into what they saw as a "good partner". That thought, now, makes me cringe. I didn't really know who I was or perhaps I was afraid to find out or just completely oblivious... not really sure. I think it was probably a combination.
The last relationship lasted just over 2 years and was probably one of the greatest gifts to happen in that it woke me up. I don't think there's so much anyone to blame and if so, it lie between both of us. Something just clicked in my head and heart.
After leaving the relationship... I was bitter. In many ways, the grieving of the loss of the relationship occurred while we were together... small things which grew and intensified... like slowly dying. The relationship itself was dead before I left - if that makes sense? I was angry at myself for staying as long as I did, angry because I felt unappreciated, angry for the time and so much emotion... I just wanted to be alone. I withdrew, completely. I worked so much overtime and kept my hands busy so I wouldn't have time to think. I also used work as an excuse to distance myself from people and really turned to food for comfort and of course - gaining weight when you're already feeling low - well, not a good combo.
I was angry for 3 years... and alone. It's funny how we can inflict the very thing on ourselves that we fear most.
I began writing and things poured out...
I had avoided writing for that fact... I knew the dam would break and I would have to do something. Comfort can be the biggest enemy to growing and I was so comfortable. I knew I wanted to make changes and for me, writing was the handle to open that door.
I began to go out on road trips and made some spiritual connections. I delved further into my own beliefs and wrote more. I started to thaw... I wanted to live. I hadn't been living and I had an army of excuses that kept me company.
I had no idea that 10 years ago, I would start a journey and marriage to myself, my spirit and finding that life wasn't about perfection or being something I wasn't or hiding my light. I didn't think that I would be okay with not being in a relationship... let alone be happy single for many years. I see it very much like a marriage... the first year is the toughest... compromises, changes, adapting... and finding a rhythm. I guess I'm happily married, hehehe - well, most days. :)
Do I think of love and relationship... of course but it's not something I need. It's something I want one day and for all the right reasons... which are healthy. I'm not incomplete... I'm as complete as I can possible be and grow more a little each day. I would love an equal... a true partner... who I can share my light with and in turn be someone he can share his light with me. I always feel a bit uneasy when people say relationships are 50/50... I've always hoped for 100/100. Does that make sense? To bring your whole authentic self forward and have that returned in trust and non judgement. Unconditionally being loved and to have your love accepted. Tow people who appreciate one another, respect one another and celebrate each others differences as much as likeness. I see so many people together just to be together and it breaks my heart. So many people I know are partnered, married or coupled yet many have lost their identities and become this one entity where one, also by their choice, hides a deep part of themselves to remain in that place. Of course, these are my observations and my thoughts... and not something that I state. I'm very open and honest and I do fear that someone may ask pointedly my opinion but other than that... it's really not my stuff. It's not my place or journey and we all need to find our own truth.

So - yeah - I'm celebrating today. I'm spending time doing things that bring me great joy, laughter, connection and also taking time to really feel just how blessed I am. I'm grateful for all my lessons and am keeping myself open to lessons to come.
Happy Anniversary.


Why Should I Love You? - Kate Bush

This chapter says
"Put it out of your mind"
Mmm, give it time....
The fine purple
The purest gold
The red of the Sacred Heart
The grey of a ghost
The "L" of the lips are open
To the "O" of the Host
The "V" of the velvet
Of all of the people in the world
Why should I love you?
There's just something 'bout you
There's just something 'bout you
Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?
Have you ever seen a picture
Of Jesus laughing?
Mmm, do you think
He had a beautiful smile?
A smile that healed
Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?
There's just something 'bout you
There's just something 'bout you
Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?
Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?
The fine purple
The purest gold
The red of the Sacred Heart
The grey of a ghost
The "L" of the lips are open
To the "O" of the Host
The "V" of the velvet
The "E" of my eye
The eye in wonder
The eye that sees
The "I" that loves you
Of all the people in the world
Why should I love you?

Eat the Music (Video) - Kate Bush